Random Solitary Thoughts

Thursday, December 26, 2002

The past week has been a hell-hole of thoughts and self-evaluation. Even tho it was a weekend in Penang with family and friends, my mind kept wandering off to recent events from time to time. No doubt, my past few posts may seem to have clouds following them, and I hope to cast a drop of sunshine on them soon.

After much thought, I concluded to myself that this was not the first of my many self-evaluations. It always happens towards the end of the year, when I gather my thoughts, and see for myself if I had a good year or not. So to keep a long story short, I have come to the conclusion that I'm very likely to break a few friendships, thanks to this mouth of mine, and to a whole lot of misunderstandings. They you should always be yourself around people. That works if you have a great personality. I know that mine isn't exactly top-notch, so for the time being, people who do not know me will have to be content with me acting as if I have a personality.

So what does it take to be a friend? I have crossed the line many times, for I do not know what constitutes friendship. If any of you know, please enlighten me. Personally, I was at a point where I do not want to make any effort whatsoever and be a hermit until someone comes along to be my friend. But on the other hand, I did promise myself to be optimistic and open to others. So decisions decisions, and in the end it's optimism versus pessimism. Then, something happens which shakes my belief that not all people are bad, and then I began to change, and then, something else happens to shake my belief in friends, so I revert back again.

Then, I encountered people who have good friends and I think, hey, why can't I be like that? And so I try and try again. But nothing ever happens. It takes time, I know. Some people are willing to give you time. Others may not. I know some people want to change. I know some who do. But people will be people, and first impressions stay longest.

Now, I'm still confused, but choose to stand by those who are willing to stand by me. After all, life is too short to be spending time banging on walls which cannot move. Few are my friends, but friends they be. Now I am content. Onwards to brighter days...

P.S. On a lighter note, (pun intended), I bought myself a 'Light' pokemon deck in Penang. I shall now dedicate my free time to promoting the pokemon card game. Anyone game?


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