Random Solitary Thoughts

Friday, July 11, 2003

WARNING: Do NOT read if you haven't read the first 3 chapters of Harry Potter 5, or are somehow sensitive to totally mindless issues.

It was a mundane Friday night at Nombor 4, Jalan Pribet, Subang Jaya. It just another warm, humid evening as Zarry 'Later' Chua Phu Kong came back from another mundane day at the office.

Feeling particularly edgy, he edged towards the kitchen, seeking out a glass of cold water. No doubt with a wave of his tongkat, he could magically and impossibly yet somehow illogically possibly conjure a glass out of thin air. But thanks to 'that-incident-which-shall-not-be-told' last year, he is forbidden from using any of his bomoh powers.

Moving towards the sink, he was taken by surprised when a cockroach scuttled across the metal basin. "Alamak! Ape nih?" he screamed to no one in particular. The foul insect scuttled away nochalantly as his screams echoed throughout the house. You see, unlike many men his age, Zarry 'Later' is still single and sadly, lives alone in a musty, dank house, left by his parents when they disown him for being ugly.

"Argh! At least a cockroach means there's life in this house!" he growled, again to no one in particular. After drinking his glass of water, and suddenly feeling the need to piss, he quickly rushed upstairs to the loo for a piss. As he entered the dark bathroom, he felt a dark and malevolent presence. "No... they can't be here" he whispered, again to no one in particular, but his instincts told him otherwise. He had known this feeling from before. Wasn't it just last year that he felt this evil aura of destruction, only a hundred times more dreadful?

"No... cannot be lar..." he muttered underneath his breath, again to no one in particular. He switched on the lights... and he saw... two centipedes!!! Two ugly beings of pure evil, slittering rather than crawling towards him! In a flash, and obviously without thinking of the consequences, he quickly pulled out his tongkat, and cried, "Stupidfy!!!" A bright fluorescent green light with pink stripes shot out from the end of his tongkat and hit the nearest centipede squarely in between it's multiple legs. Immediately, it curled up and looked blur, totally confused, and suddenly stupidfied.

But while all this is happening, the second centipede has slittered considerably closer to him and was about to pounce on his leg when he yelled out, "Petronas!!!" Out of nowhere, (but it logically seemed to have come out of his tongkat, although it is rather illogical that anything can shoot out of a tongkat with a cry, but somehow in this story it is illogically logical and possible) a wispy strip of silver lining flew out and took the shape of a petrol pump!

It then proceeded to do the traditional Angkat, Tolak, Masuk, Picit (or is it pancut?) dance and spewed low-quality over-priced petroleum at the centipede. The centipede, centimetres away from its target, was washed away by the incoming petrol, suffering a similar fate as most other household items in the infamous recent KL flood. Drenched and drugged by the smell of the petroleum, the centipede was dazed. This gave Zarry enough time to muster up his final and most deadly bomoh spell, the Bara Kuda!!!

With a silly swirling motion of his tongkat, he shouted "BARA KUDA" at no one in particular, and a flaming pony the size of a matchstick trotted out of thin air (yet, another impossible yet somehow possible feat performed under the silly guidelines of this illogical yet seemingly logical story) and ignited the petroleum, engulfing the poor dazed centipede in a fiery extermination.

Then, happy yet lazy, Zarry turned away from the mess, (forgetting to piss) and muttered "later'lah...". And people still wondered why he was nicknamed "later".

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a crow flew into the room carrying a post-it note in it's claws. "What's this?" muttered Zarry as he unstuck the post-it note and read it.

"Majlis Perbandaran Para-para Bomoh. Encik Zarry (mengape name nih pelik saje?) ko telah di dapati mengunakan kuasa bomoh yang di katakan menentang peraturan baru yang telah ditetapkan oleh kerajaan baru yang fanatik dengan agama nih. Oleh itu, anda dikehendaki menhadiri mahkamah untuk menjelaskan segalanya walaupun anda tetap anda dihukum membersihkan tandas awam seumur hidup. Anda patut mengetahui bahawa segala yang ditetapkan oleh peraturan hanya untuk kelihatan 'demokratik' di kalangan dunia dan tidak akan dipraktikkan didalam negeri ini. Harap anda tidak makan durian sebelum masuk mahkamah. Trimas!"

"Dem. As if been given a crappy name by my Ah Beng and Ah Lian parents isn't bad enough. Now I have to waste my time going to some lousy court!" he muttered to no one at all. And as if someone heard him, another crow came in, bearing the message, "Jangan lupa pakai spender"!


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